For the past week and a half, I have been riding the hormone wave.

“But you’re too young for that,” I hope you’re saying.

Sadly, this has nothing to do with age.  For you long-term Anomalous Life readers, you know I am one of the lucky many women across this country to be blessed with a wonky thyroid.  It’s taken years of searching for the right doctor (i.e. one that actually listens), a change in eating habits (I miss you, Whataburger), and lots of tinkering with medications to get me to where I am today.  And where is that?  Well, it’s somewhere in the middle.  I’m not as screwed up as I used to be (no debates, please), but apparently I still have some tinkering left to do.

A couple of years ago, when I finally left my ancient doc for a new, more open-minded M.D., we switched my meds from synthetic to natural.  We also did lots of tests that temporarily left me with half my blood supply.  Tests results indicated that I was also a bit lacking in the progesterone area…not uncommon for folks restricted to thyroid hell.

First trial:  progesterone cream.  Fourteen days out of the month I slathered this “interesting” smelling cream on the “fattiest part of my body” (of which I will not reveal).  Did I feel better?  I’m not sure I can answer that, because the medication had the lovely side effect of causing my body to radiate every last symptom of early pregnancy - none of them, I might add, terribly enjoyable.  Aching boobs (sorry, boys), nausea, headaches, fatigue, with the added bonus of phantom menstrual cramps.  Oh, joy!  We’ve found the solution!  Or not.

The doc switched me to the progesterone pill.  Both of us crossed our fingers that the same medication in a different form might produce more satisfactory results.  If you consider a nose bleed on top of faux pregnancy symptoms “satisfactory”, then success had been achieved.  Or not.

At the beginning of this month, I stopped taking the progesterone altogether.  The lovely side effects, along with the constant fear of pregnancy (sorry Daddy) had me reeling, and I’m quite convinced Stephen was fearful he was dating Satan reincarnate.  I’m now close to a month progesterone-free and still the symptoms persist.  I called the doc this past Friday.  No luck.  Apparently their Fridays end at 1:00.  Isn’t that nice.  I called again yesterday morning.  No call back by 4:15.  I called again.  Apparently doc decided not to come back that afternoon.  Maybe I should have gone to medical school.

So, I sit here now with symptoms coming and going (yes, including the lovely cramps), and wonder…will I ever feel normal…I mean “physically” normal?  I know mentally I’m a lost cause

Waiting on a call back from the doc today.  I’m sure she’ll suggest progesterone in some sort of liquid form.  I guess I’ll give it a shot.  If I can take it with a whiskey chaser.

I’m off to take more Motrin.  I hope your day is filled with happy boobs, settled tummies and Bachelor recaps.  I think it’s gonna be Vienna by the way.  Discuss.

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